A Long Road To No Where

If I had known how long and how hard this road would have been I'm not sure I would of taken it. When I was young I made the choice to not just "live life" unaware, but to sort out all the garbage I'd been handed.  I've learned so much it seems I learn more each year.

The concept of being "mindful" has recently been working its way into my life.  I'm currently reading a book called "Get out of your mind and into your life".  It suggests that "dealing" with your insecurities and issues only intensifies them.  

Here is what I've learned so far, I'm on chapter 3.

In regular life, outside our minds, if we have a problem, we deal with it and get rid of it.  (Hopefully)  But when it comes to inside our heads... its harder to "get rid" of a negative thought or insecurity.
This has been true in my life.  It has seemed over the years the more I looked, the more I found.  

Instead of "fighting the battle", why not walk away?  

I say this purely in regards to the quicksand of negative thinking or whatever insecurity or psychological issue that may plague your mind.

So, what do you do then?

Start to notice the judgements you've been making about situations in your life.  However big or small.

How do you interpret the actions of others?  What words do you use when you describe yourself?

Do you judge those situations and determine that your judgment is the truth?

My judgment is only one interpretation, of one possibility of what may be going on.

Why not start interpretation the world in a way that is loving?  Like I said earlier, the more you look for something the more you will find it.

The ultimate goal would be to stop judging situations and interactions completely.  Which in my opinion is when you start really just enjoying each moment and living fully present.

This is where I am and what I'm learning.  I know that the way I've been living and thinking has not been working for me, but against me.

You may know this is true for you as well, especially if you feel tired.  Like you're always fighting?

I highly recommend this book.

Personal Update:

I'm in my second quarter of Multimedia Communications.  Learning about Photoshop in depth, and also Adobe Illustrator.  A program for creating vector images also great of designing pretty much anything.  I've learned a ton so far.  Next quarter I'm hoping to take a videographer class.  I am super excited to learn more about how to film and direct.  When I was young I was almost always trying to make my friends be a part of some idea I had.  Once in choir class I gathered 5-6 friends, sat them all down and told them they were vitamins.  Each person had to be a different vitamin and each vitamin had a weird voice and a distinct personality. (which I also assigned)

I was the interviewer/host.  Haha My parents had a brief "Shaklee" phase which is probably what prompted me to make jokes about vitamins. That tape exists somewhere.

Anway, That's all for now.  First blog in a long time.



Port Angeles

Ignorance is bliss.

Lately I've been thinking about how the more you know, the more weight you gain mentally.  I'm not sure how to word that statement.  The truth about life isn't pretty, is what I'm saying I guess.  I sought to know more of the world, people, relationships, the way things worked and didn't work.  I wanted to know for myself (about this or that).  I'm learning that it isn't always best to learn by experience.  Though it teaches you the hardest lessons.

Maybe its best if you don't understand the pain and sturggle that a addict knows... *you get my drift.

I'm done seeking out pain and struggle.  I think I've had enough now. 

The  last 2-3 years have been some of the hardest years of my life to date. 

I wanted to get lost in my brain, lost in questions, thoughts, places, to be void of what I knew, what i clung to. To discover who was left, what was left whhen all else was gone. 

The funny thing about getting lost is you don't neccesarily find who you are because certain parts of you die along the way, certain parts need to be nourished in order to be heard, or seen, or felt.

You become a shadow of the person you thought you were.  Remembering what it was like to feel secure, to feel...

Its like putting yourself in a dark room, only you think your in a huge vast forest of darkness but really its just a small room with a door.  You can walk out of the room whenever you want but for awhile you forget that.

But something changes, something is stripped away in the process.

The biggest thing I learned in the last 3 years is that all of it was a choice.  I chose to put myself in darkness. I chose to struggle.  I chose to think the way I did, which lead me to the places I was.

Today, and everyday  I choose to think of the good.  Not to be blind to the darkness, but to focus on the light.

Basically your parents train you on what to see.  But you can learn to see other things. *Positive Psychology

The more you see the good, the more good you will see.  The more good will come to you as well because you will be radiating positive energy. 

Today was a good day because:

The sun shined on my face...

I got to spend time with a friend i hadn't seen in awhile...

I heard some live music...

I have my own room and a queen sized bed.

I felt great, healthy, and well fed...


Moving forward I am actively and confidently pursuing the things that make my heart sing like photography, art, and music.



Back in the Pacific Northwest. (For now)

I recently returned to the rainy state.  Well one of them.  OREGON. I am a sunshine addict and moving back to the PNW wasn't like my dream or anything, but for some reason this place calls to me.  I am writing this blog as I sit on the end of a futon. (Super sexy) ha ha. :) 

My genrous cousin has let me crash at her place a few nights.  I will be back at a hostile in a day or two.  I'm feeling hopeful and happy.  Having nothing to loose is a pretty good place to be. *For now. 

Australia was awesome.  I guess some peolple might be wondering why I came back after only 2.5 months. 

I came back because of many reasons.

To be honest, poor planning on my part.  I went to Oz in a rush and sold all I had just to get there.  (*I don't regret anything!)
Moving by yourself to a new country with only $800 dollars in your pocket isn't exactly wise, but man it was an adventure!

I got everything I wanted to get out of my adventure.  I wanted some clarity for my life.  I'm one of those people who has trouble deciding what I want and am pulled in many directions at once.  Being half way arouund the world made it a lot easier to realize what I want.

I kind of love being in a place where things aren't super convienient.  It forces me to think differently about life and what I'm doing.  I love being on the ground literally.  I don't have a car anymore, or a bike.  So I'm walking, with my feet.  I do take the Max's and what not, but find that I can relate to people more on my feet.  I can't just rush in and rush out. 

I'm currently working hard applying for jobs and deciding if getting my B.A. is what is the next best thing for me to do.

Really tuning into my spirit to see if I can read what direction my heart/God is telling me to go.