3/29/2014

Port Angeles

Ignorance is bliss.

Lately I've been thinking about how the more you know, the more weight you gain mentally.  I'm not sure how to word that statement.  The truth about life isn't pretty, is what I'm saying I guess.  I sought to know more of the world, people, relationships, the way things worked and didn't work.  I wanted to know for myself (about this or that).  I'm learning that it isn't always best to learn by experience.  Though it teaches you the hardest lessons.

Maybe its best if you don't understand the pain and sturggle that a addict knows... *you get my drift.

I'm done seeking out pain and struggle.  I think I've had enough now. 

The  last 2-3 years have been some of the hardest years of my life to date. 

I wanted to get lost in my brain, lost in questions, thoughts, places, to be void of what I knew, what i clung to. To discover who was left, what was left whhen all else was gone. 

The funny thing about getting lost is you don't neccesarily find who you are because certain parts of you die along the way, certain parts need to be nourished in order to be heard, or seen, or felt.

You become a shadow of the person you thought you were.  Remembering what it was like to feel secure, to feel...

Its like putting yourself in a dark room, only you think your in a huge vast forest of darkness but really its just a small room with a door.  You can walk out of the room whenever you want but for awhile you forget that.

But something changes, something is stripped away in the process.

The biggest thing I learned in the last 3 years is that all of it was a choice.  I chose to put myself in darkness. I chose to struggle.  I chose to think the way I did, which lead me to the places I was.

Today, and everyday  I choose to think of the good.  Not to be blind to the darkness, but to focus on the light.

Basically your parents train you on what to see.  But you can learn to see other things. *Positive Psychology

The more you see the good, the more good you will see.  The more good will come to you as well because you will be radiating positive energy. 

Today was a good day because:

The sun shined on my face...

I got to spend time with a friend i hadn't seen in awhile...

I heard some live music...

I have my own room and a queen sized bed.

I felt great, healthy, and well fed...

:) 

Moving forward I am actively and confidently pursuing the things that make my heart sing like photography, art, and music.

Hayley

2/18/2014

Back in the Pacific Northwest. (For now)

I recently returned to the rainy state.  Well one of them.  OREGON. I am a sunshine addict and moving back to the PNW wasn't like my dream or anything, but for some reason this place calls to me.  I am writing this blog as I sit on the end of a futon. (Super sexy) ha ha. :) 

My genrous cousin has let me crash at her place a few nights.  I will be back at a hostile in a day or two.  I'm feeling hopeful and happy.  Having nothing to loose is a pretty good place to be. *For now. 

Australia was awesome.  I guess some peolple might be wondering why I came back after only 2.5 months. 

I came back because of many reasons.

To be honest, poor planning on my part.  I went to Oz in a rush and sold all I had just to get there.  (*I don't regret anything!)
Moving by yourself to a new country with only $800 dollars in your pocket isn't exactly wise, but man it was an adventure!

I got everything I wanted to get out of my adventure.  I wanted some clarity for my life.  I'm one of those people who has trouble deciding what I want and am pulled in many directions at once.  Being half way arouund the world made it a lot easier to realize what I want.

I kind of love being in a place where things aren't super convienient.  It forces me to think differently about life and what I'm doing.  I love being on the ground literally.  I don't have a car anymore, or a bike.  So I'm walking, with my feet.  I do take the Max's and what not, but find that I can relate to people more on my feet.  I can't just rush in and rush out. 

I'm currently working hard applying for jobs and deciding if getting my B.A. is what is the next best thing for me to do.

Really tuning into my spirit to see if I can read what direction my heart/God is telling me to go.

:)


Hayley

1/23/2014

Great Adventures Come At Great Costs.

Hiraeth

(n.) a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.


The answer was Oz.  The mysterious land of Oz.  


Being told by my parents that I had 1 month to find a new place to live and that I could never live with them again I had to make some fast decisions.  I had been thinking about Oz for about a month at that point and so I moved quickly on the idea.  Sold what I had, gave my sister the rest, got on a plane and left.


All I needed on my back.  No place to return to.  No clue what lied ahead, or where I was going.  LEAP!  Very scared,humble, and alone I arrived. With about $600 dollars to my name, plus 4k credit card limit I arrived. 

It's 100% humidity at this moment.  It's been just over 2 months and all my money is gone and bout half of my credit card is filled. 

I'm 28 and foolish.  I follow my heart.  I still believe in dreams and miracles.  I refuse to settle with a job I hate.  I've burnt more bridges than I'd like to acknowledge. My friends are spread thin all over the world and the states. I still don't know what to "do" with my life.  I want to ask why can't I just "be"?  Why can't that be enough? 

(Answer: Because no one is paying you to just be you.)

I've moved over a dozen times in the last few years, and am now living abroad, and all I want to do is settle down.  Find a place of my own and make it my home.

Maybe Oz wasn't the answer.  Maybe me taking responsibility for my life is

Sometimes, Gandalf doesn't show up at the last moment on a white horse with trolls to help fight off all your problems.  Sometimes you're left on the field and look to the left and no one else is there.  Sometimes you have to fight your own battles all by your self, and crawl away broken, but alive.

Australia is a big strong country and it will take all that you have to survive it.  It is way different than I imagined.  It is more varied in climate and more intense.  I do love it here but surprisingly don't want to stay here forever.  (I thought I was going to try to immigrate before I arrived. lol.)

For me, I had to leave behind the home I knew because it wasn't a good place for me to be.  I had to leave the comfort of what I knew and be forced to live with my decisions on my own.  I'm starting to see the value of planning ahead.  Instead of only 2 months of preparation for moving to a new country maybe 2 years next time? lol.  

I don't know how much longer I can live here, I am at the moment looking for work down south in Australia.  We'll see how that works out.  Not sure how much more humble I can become.

-Hayles